


It's Too Cold for You Here

by princessmiakitten



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, because i hate myself and i am forever stuck in iwaoi hell, i cried a lot while writing this you can practically see the tear stains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:25:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4197264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten/pseuds/princessmiakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At home is where Tooru is both dead and alive, and it leaves Hajime in a state of limbo where he doesn’t know what to do besides curl up on the bed and cry.</p><p>{side-story of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3936844">Pour Me A Heavy Dose of Atmosphere</a>}</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Too Cold for You Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Finding_The_Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finding_The_Truth/gifts).



At first, Hajime doesn’t handle the loss well.

On the outside, he’s as stoic as ever-- Everyone actually remarks on his astounding resiliency after losing his husband. They say he’s holding up pretty well despite everything, that he’s amazing for being able to hold conversations with people and take care of himself.

To everyone else, Hajime seems like he’s been able to carry on. He’s going to work everyday and always makes time for his friends.

Always reliable, never changing Hajime Iwaizumi.

At home, it’s a whole different story.

At home is where Tooru is, where all his things are, where all the memories are.

At home is where Tooru is both dead and alive, and it leaves Hajime in a state of limbo where he doesn’t know what to do besides curl up on the bed and cry.

Nothing has been moved for the past three months.

All of Tooru’s clothes are still scattered messily in their shared walk-in closet, all of his alien paraphernalia are still lining the shelves. It looks like nothing has changed, but the apartment is so empty.

It’s too cold.

There’s no warmth from Tooru’s smile or from his annoyingly bright personality.

There’s no more sun in Hajime’s life.

He’d left along with the remaining days of winter season and left Hajime in an eternal blizzard inside his own mind.

It’s much too cold for Hajime, so it would be double as much for Tooru and his frail body. The latter would just whine and complain until Hajime turned the heat up, but him just being there would warm up Hajime’s heart.

He thinks about that a lot.

About Tooru still being alive. About Tooru still being healthy and carefree and happy.

It wrecks him.

Hajime is plagued by memories and it just tears his heart apart because he’s lost the one thing in his life that really ever meant anything. He knows he should probably do something about them, but he can’t bear the thought of moving and being somewhere where there’s no recollection of Tooru.

It’s a pretty frustrating situation.

He figures he should move Tooru’s stuff at the very least, give them back to his parents, but all he hears is Tooru’s voice in his head, nagging him about that time he misplaced one of Tooru’s cat sweaters.

He ends up on the floor, sobbing, before he can even get it off the hanger.

On odd days, Hajime finds himself wearing these old sweaters, ones that were way too big for Tooru but he found comfort in them. They still smell like Tooru, even months after not being worn. It doesn’t fit Hajime quite like they did his husband, with his frame being bigger especially after Tooru stopped gaining weight.

Even though Tooru’d always been a skinny guy, it had gotten to the point where Hajime could count the notches on his spine with the way they were poking out his back. His skin was paper thin and, more often than not, freezing cold. It was always a good thing that Hajime was so warm, warm enough to keep Tooru from turning blue in the middle of the night, to keep him from shivering too hard that Hajime could practically hear his bones rattling.

Tooru doesn’t last past the winter and Hajime is left with a sense of despair because there’s nothing he wouldn’t give to see the sun filtering through the window to shine against Tooru’s soft, brown hair. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do to watch Tooru bathe in the limited sunlight he could get, eyes closed and head tilted back to enjoy its warmth.

These memories leave Hajime with nothing but an aching heart and burning eyes.

It takes a few more months for Hajime’s smile to become genuine. Even though it’s for a small amount of time, when he does surround himself with old friends, it’s full of laughter and cheer and warmth. Warmth that Hajime definitely needs.

They’re not the stars that dazzle and twinkle, but they’re like little flames that light up in the darkness of Hajime’s mind when he’s with them.

They don’t talk about Tooru.

Hajime appreciates it.

By the time a year has passed, Hajime is able to look at pictures without crying every time, is able to watch the videos saved on his phone without ending up curled into a ball, is able to look Tooru’s parents in the eye again without feeling a severe pain in his chest.

It’s like he’s healed, but not really.

He still can’t look at the stars without feeling like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. Hajime knows in the back of his mind that it’s silly-- that the stars are where heaven is, where Tooru is.

And maybe that’s the reality of it.

He knows Tooru is up there somewhere, looking down at Hajime, somewhere so close but still too far for him to reach. And he knows he can’t join his husband, can’t follow him up to where the stars are, because Tooru would be so disappointed-- and Hajime just can’t bear the thought. So he keeps going on, keeps persevering only because it’s what Tooru would’ve wanted.

His lowest points are during the summers, especially on his marriage anniversary. By then, he has no students to teach, no work to distract him, and definitely no Tooru on his lap complaining about the heat.

While he isn’t hurting anymore, it didn’t stop the flood of memories that came with the season that left him in a weird state within his own mind. Even though he doesn’t cry as often, he still feels that hollowness in his chest that reminds him that Tooru is not there, never going to be there again.

Summers are hard, but he’ll make it through. He has to make it through.

By the time he’s thirty-two years old, he’s already got gray hairs starting to come in and laugh lines from smiling around his tiny students.

Tooru would’ve had a fit.

After three years, Hajime has come to terms with it. Has found peace with himself and with the fact that while Tooru would never be there in his arms, he’ll always be in Hajime’s heart.

He’ll always be in the stars.

Hajime finds the stars in another’s eyes-- a small child with wide, bright, brown eyes and a curiosity about the world around him that no one could rival. It makes Hajime think that he was left to survive to see this, see the beauty in the world again, in the pureness of the kids to whom he teaches.

Hajime can look at the stars of the night sky again and feel at home.


End file.
